I'm beginning to write this at age 63, and so far in good health, wellbeing and mental processing - although I can already feel the latter slowing down! I want to alleviate any stress for you all, regarding decision making, organisation and planning in the event of my death or loss of physical or mental capacity. I also want to be sure you're all in agreement about next steps. I'm not writing this in anticipation of any impending decline but am aware that I will need to do a lot of soul searching to really be sure I know what I want and this could take time. Best to make a start now.
Firstly, my wish is to stay in my own home (Ruapekapeka or van) for as long as I can. If I am still capable of good decision making but have mobility challenges, I want to maintain my independence for as long as possible, and will apply for community support services to enable me to do so. Please do whatever you can to support me to achieve this as long as it is safe for me to do so. My greatest fear is dementia. I want to be really, really clear. Having watched mum go through this, as soon as I am able to qualify for the 'Resthome Level Care Subsidy', I want to be moved to a resthome that is central enough to family members to minimise barriers to visiting. Having said this, once I am largely living in my own little world, please please don't feel pressure to visit. I will be fine!
In the event of accident or catastrophic event (eg. stroke or heart attack), and the quality of my life is seriously compromised, I do not want to have my life prolonged in any way. What does quality of life mean for me? If I'm going to be a vegetable, incapable of conscious thought, switch the machine off immediately! As long as I can read or watch a screen, enjoy a garden or sunset and am not in constant pain, then follow the advice of doctors. I have a great deal of confidence and respect for Ryan. He was a fabulous support to us all when mum suffered a catastrophic heart attack. Please talk to him if you have any doubts. I trust him completely to provide advice and guidance that is in my best interests. I hope that you will all agree on these next steps and continue to talk and listen to each other until you do. When it comes to medical power of attourney, the final decision will be Josh's simply because he is the eldest and not for any other reason. These burdens should fall to those who can bear them best and age (and with it wisdom) are great determiners.
I want to reiterate: I will be perfectly happy in a resthome when the time comes.
I would like to have a natural, DIY burial.
I like to think I'm spiritual even though not at all religious. However, I believe that who I am is a collection of memories. Once that ceases to be, the essence of who I am ceases to be. This is only important because, if it is necessary for my body to be kept on ice for a day or two, I have no problem with this. Cleaning and dressing me should be left to the nurses at the resthome or hospital. Remember, my clothes must be biodegradable (cotton, linen, wool, silk). It doesn't really matter what I'm wearing - perhaps just a cotton shift.
There are cemeteries that offer natural burials, and you should contact the nearest one to where I am living at the time. At this point, the most likely options are:
Whangarei
Auckland: Waikumete
Christchurch / Banks Peninsula: Diamond Harbour
Dunedin
I hope to have already purchased and hand painted my coffin. If I have not yet done so, please purchase a basic, plain, or flat-pack cardboard coffin that meets the criteria for a natural burial. If you have time, decorate it with a picture, a poem or a memory of me (water colour only). Paul (hopefully) will help transport me (just throw me in the back of his Torana) to the cemetery and, drop me in a pre-dug hole. The Dunedin cemetery will do this and allow you to use hand spades to fill it back in. Hopefully the others will also allow this. Bring your own spade! You'll be surprised how little time this takes. Just family and close friends should attend this.
Cemeteries vary in their regulations but most allow you to choose a native plant to place in my spot after a certain time has elapsed. If possible, something that flowers would be nice but whatever you choose will be wonderful. If a biodegradable plaque or cross is allowed, keep it simple. This is only to help you remember where I am should you come to visit me.
Following the burial, an informal (bring a plate) gathering at a suitable venue, someone's house would be nice but I'm not concerned where it is. Perhaps at my place (if I have a toilet by then!) Please make sure that Lisa Levitt, Lisa Tatum, Gill Tubbs, Kim Carson are invited. These friends will make sure that other friends and colleagues are informed & invited should they want to attend. I don't need anything in the newspaper. I have included a eulogy (if I get it finished), which someone could read at this gathering, followed by a toast. I would love it if the commemoration ended with friends and family sitting around singing and sharing memories very informally. Don't be dressing up. Keep it casual and spontaneous. A bit of a bash.
These events are largely for the living - and so, make it achievable and also reflect what you'd like for me, keeping in mind the essence of what I would like. Spiritual rather than religious. Think happy hippy vibe or PS I Love You minus the priest!
If Paul is still around, please talk with him. He's been through all of this before and knows the ins and outs. He has so much wisdom and gives care and thought before speaking. I hope to have organised everything so that lawyers can be minimised. This section only becomes relevant in the event of an unexpected event.
I have nothing of monetary value and so any items of sentimental value should be distributed between you. Despite the very best intentions and being reasonable, kind and caring people, this can lead to conflict. It is an emotional time. For this reason, I would like you to all be together to go through my personal effects and talk about your memories. Talk, compromise, agree. The only value these personal items hold are a reminder of a moment in time. Anything else you deem of possible sentimental value that you don't want, offer to the rest of my family (including David) before donating to an opshop or straight to landfill.
1572 Ruapekapeka Road should be sold. The tax man repaid and the balance shared equally between the three of you. If I'm living in a van, then it has already been sold and so whatever money remains in my bank account and Kiwisaver should be shared equally between you. With a little bit of luck, I'll have some forewarning and will transfer this to a joint savings account, so that lawyers are not required.